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December, 2000 End of the Millennium Mega-Edition

KASPAROV TO WORLD: I'M BAAACK!

December 28, 2000
Tel Aviv, Israel
An Exclusive Interview by Olga Villiers, Russian/French Chess Reporter Extraordinaire!

Monsieur Garry Kasparov graciously agreed to this interview.

Kasparov:  Who the hell are you, get out of here!  Mig, get this woman out of here, NOW!

Mig:  No no boss, wait a minute!  This is Ms. Villiers. You agreed to give her an interview.  Don't you remember?

Kasparov:  An interview?  What interview?  Where am I?

Mig:  Ms. Villiers, you must forgive THE MASTER.  He's suffering from Zen Monastery Withdrawal and isn't quite himself yet.  I think those aliens still have his brain too, haven't found the buggers yet to get it back.

Villiers:  Is okay, monsieur, is okay, I understand.  The monsieur must be deprogrammed from the Zen Monastery Mind Control.  Ooooooh, poor monsieur.  Shall I walk upon your back and make it all better?

Kasparov:  Who the hell are you?  Are you my mother?  Mig, is this woman my mother?

Mig:  No Garry, Olga is not your mother.  Olga walked on your back last month and did other unmentionable things to your body before you decamped to that monastery in Tibet.

Kasparov:  Oh.  Well then, get to work woman, and walk on my back.  I have a terrible crink in my left shoulder that I can't get rid of no matter what I do.

Villiers (removing her shoes):  Of course, monsieur, of course.  Now then, tell me, have you got over your broken heart then?

Kasparov (grunting as Villers climbs aboard):  Broken heart?  What broken heart?  Mig, what the hell is this woman talking about?

Mig:  Boss, you remember - Miss Bambi.  The greatest love of your life.

Kasparov:  Bambi?  BAMBI?  You mean I fell in love with a deer?  Mig, did I fall in love with a deer?

Mig:  No Boss, Bambi is a woman.

Kasparov:  Oh, one of those.  Oh, all right.  Ahhhhhh, yes, that's good, right there, yes, ahhhhh.

Villiers:  And so monsieur, you are still suffering from the broken heart, non?

Kasparov:  Heart, what's a heart?  Mig, what the hell is a heart!

Mig:  Now boss, you remember, it's that thing inside your chest that pumps blood and stuff.

Kasparov:  Oh.  But wait a minute, is my heart broken?  Mig, Mig!  Help me - I can't feel it, where is it?  Oh my god am I dead?  

Mig:  Now boss, calm down, calm down!  You can't feel your heart because it's on the inside of your body, not the outside.  And your heart is just fine.

Kasparov:  Oh.  All right.  So, woman, you see my heart is fine.  Mig says so.

Villiers:  So you have got over your sick heart for Bambi, heh?

Mig:  Yes he has!  In fact, he never had a sick heart for Bambi.  In fact, he doesn't even know any Bambi.  In fact, the only women the Great One knows are his mother, her assistant, and his wife.  In that order.  And if you produce pictures we'll deny it.

Kasparov:  That's right.  Internet fraud is rampant these days, rampant!  There's this chess rag called The International Chessoid that is stinking up the place and they have phoney pictures almost every month of that woman chessplayer, what's her name - Mig, what's her name, that woman chessplayer.

Mig:  Judit Polgar.

Kasparov:  Yeah, that's right.  Polgar.  She's got two kids and a husband in New York and she plays chess here all the time, right Mig?

Mig:  Er, right boss.

Kasparov:  So you see, there's nothing wrong with me at all.  I'm fine! Never heard of any Bambi, did I Mig?  And I'm playing in the Netherlands next month against a bunch of losers, right Mig?

Mig:  Er, right boss.

Kasparov:  That's right!  I'm gonna kick chess ass!  I'll get that guy - what was his name Mig? - who beat me in - where was it Mig? - and I'll, well I'll - hey Mig, what was it I was going to do?

Mig:  Reassert your dominance on the world chess scene.

Kasparov:  Oh yeah, right.  That's it!  I'm going to reassert my dom-, my dom-, my - whatever Mig said, on the world chess scene.  And my website will be sure to advertise that, right Mig?

Mig:  Right you are, boss!  We'll splash the news in 64 point type all over the place!  So there you have it, Ms. Villiers.  Kasparov intends to come back bigger and even better than before.  You have my word on it. You can get off the Boss' back now.  

Villiers:  Oh, well, if you say so, monsieur.  But it seems that the Monsieur Kasparov is a bit, er, shall I say, off the ball?

Mig:  A temporary indisposition, nothing more!  And if you report anything else we'll sue you and your newspaper for hundreds of millions of dollars!

Villiers:  Well, Monsieur Fou, good luck at Wijk aan Zee.  You will need it!  You are going up against a panel formidable!  Kramnik, Anand, Shirov - oh, so many others of the sexy chess hommes, yummm!

Kasparov: What's this "yummm" you're talking about, heh?  Mig, what's she talking about?

Mig:  It's okay boss, never mind. She's talking nonsense.  You can report, Ms. Villiers, that the Great One will win Wijk aan Zee by at least a full point.

Villiers:  Monsieur!  You are mad to predict any such thing!

Mig: Hey, I work for KasparovChess!  I haven't been paid in six weeks.  Of course I'm crazy!

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